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I’ve always had a hard time during the holidays, but this year was especially hard.
This year was my first time sitting at the Thanksgiving table since I’ve been in treatment.
I always had to work so I didn’t have to worry about having a family thanksgiving dinner plate.
The fear on this day was extreme. The anxiety was through the roof. But I did it, I DID IT.
Still feeling repercussion from this, while heading into Christmas and the New Year, it was a struggle. It still is a struggle.
Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day. All buffet meals. Having to pick my food out and then eat it. Looking at my plate and my mind just going crazy. My ED going crazy.
Not being able to finish my meals, and then feeling ashamed. I don’t want them to think that their food was bad, I just can’t do it.
I know that they will understand, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
You would think 4 years in recovery would look prettier than this.
It is a lot of the time, but there are still these moments; these brief periods of time where I can’t get out of my head, and I give into ED. Moments where I don’t see it getting any better or I’m in a hole and can’t climb my way out.
Trying my best to get back on my path in recovery. Trying to remember why I started in the first place. That drive, that motivation. It’s hard when everything in life isn’t going your way.
I pulled out my Renfrew box yesterday. I did what I do when I’m in a funk. I read everything that I wrote in treatment. All the worksheets, all the journals, all the little notes, all the memories.
Most importantly, I read all the letters that I have received from my recovery sisters from these past years. These are my reminders. My reminders of why I fight this battle every day. My reminders of people who understand what I’m going through. My reminders that I am not alone in this fight.
I may not be where I want to be right now (because we all know I have a very unrealistic future in my head and I always want it right away), but I’m becoming okay with that. I’m working towards accepting it.
The most important thing right now is that I am still fighting. I picked back up my fork (and my pen) and I am continuously fighting this demon to live the life that I imagine in my head.
