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There are all kinds of “bad” coping skills that I have used, but this is one that I have used the most.
“What do you do to prevent the negative thoughts,” my therapist says.
“I go to sleep,” I say.
“Nicole, you know that doesn’t help.”
“I sleep to forget my problems. To forget what ED is saying. To forget about how he makes me feel. I like my dreams better than my reality.”
“And does it help?”
“Yes.” *Rolls eyes* “Until I wake up and its back to reality.”
“And then it brings you right back to square one, right?”
“Right. And then I go to sleep again.”
“That is no way to live.”
I’ve been pondering this conversation for weeks. I’ve wasted SO much time because of ED. Why do I still continue to give in to what he says? Why do I believe him? Today I found the answer to this question. Because he caught me at my weak spot. He caught me when I was off guard, and he knew it. That is why he made his move. That is how he got back inside my head and in control of my life.
You know that quote, “When you reach the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on”? Today, that is where I am. I am not giving up on my recovery. I’ve come such a long way from where I was, and I don’t want to live life like I used to. When I’m with ED, I don’t live, I die. It’s time to fight back even harder. It’s time to take back the steering wheel.
