0
0
There’s no hiding that I have been immensely struggling since I found out my weight. I didn’t want to accept what I saw. I didn’t want to accept that I have gained some weight. I just did not want to live with it.
And there I was again in that mind set. Counting calories, drinking supplements, working out in my living room, weighing myself, pulling my skin, only eating healthy.
I did have glimpses of clarity. I made plans with people then blew them off (I’m really sorry to those people). I made doctors’ appointments and didn’t show up. (I’m really sorry to those people too). I may have saw clearly when I made plans, but by the time they came around, I was “consumed”; that’s how my coworker described it.
ED had taken over and at that moment I wanted to give in. I didn’t want to be who I was. I didn’t want to live, because of a number that I saw on the scale.
I felt weak. I felt sick. I felt depressed. I felt mad. I felt tired. I felt powerless. I felt lost.
I skated through my days. I wasn’t present for the most part.
There was still one thing that didn’t change though, I had to make sure everyone thought I was okay. My mom and sister were out of town, so my dad and I went out to dinner one night.
I got all dressed up, hair and makeup done. I had to look like I was better than okay.
As I sat down my body couldn’t stop shaking. I’m here I told myself, I’m okay.
As I opened my menu, I cringed. My mind was racing. There were no calories listed on this menu. How can I decide what to eat if I don’t know the calories? I panicked.
The waiter came over and asked us if we were ready to order. “No!” I blurted out. I can’t decide what I want until I know what has the least number of calories and is still something I would eat so my dad wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong. My dad just looked and me and said,” Not yet we need some more time.” He knew something was up, so he gave me time to sort myself out.
I looked over my menu about 10 times to try to find the safest thing to order and then just started staring at people. I saw the same table we sat at a few years ago and had a flashback. My family took me here for dinner on my first pass I got while in treatment. I was so happy and grateful just to be able to go to dinner with my family. To be present to enjoy it and talk to them. I ordered what I wanted and didn’t care how many calories were in it. Yea, of course it was hard as shit. It was the first meal I ate outside of treatment, but it got easier.
The waiter came back, and I ordered a soda and the food that I wanted. I SURVIVED DINNER.
Fighting for my life has never been simple, but it has definitely been worth it. Before life was grey and I didn’t know why I was living. Now, I see beauty in life and have a purpose. So why the hell am I letting HIM take over again? Why the hell am I letting HIM control my life again? This is MY life, and I don’t want to live like this. I love my life in recovery. Yea, I have my ups and downs, but even if I had the chance to change what I’ve been through; I wouldn’t take it. It’s part of who I am and has made me the person I am today.
NOW, it’s time to face the truth of what has happened over the past few weeks. It’s time to pick up the pieces from this tornado ED has caused in my life again.
I bet you didn’t see that coming ED.
